Becoming a parent is a time of huge change in anyone’s life: hormones shift, priorities change, and a whole new set of skills has to be acquired. There is considerable information and support provided to mums during this time, but little acknowledgment or help is provided for dads. This can leave dads questioning or worrying about their new role and how they should fulfil it, particularly in the early weeks.
There are two persistent and unhelpful myths about fathers around birth. The first is that you should feel an immediate bond with your baby the moment you hold them in your arms. The second is that you don’t have a key role in your child’s life until they are a few months old.
Myth 1: Instant bonding
The idea that meeting your baby for the first time should be accompanied by a flood of intense love is one of the most unhelpful myths around fatherhood. This sets dads up for an immediate fall which can easily be avoided with the right information.
The reality is that most fathers don’t feel a rush of love when their baby is born, particularly with their first child. The bond can take several months to form after birth. Unlike mums, who get a headstart from the binding hormones of pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding, dads build their bond with their baby through interaction. And, because babies are born pretty helpless, the two-way interaction which would trigger a comparable flood of hormones in dad is missing for several months.
Add to this the fact that newborn babies tend to focus on mum as the source of food and comfort, and it can be tricky for dads to find a way in for any kind of interaction, however one-way. For most men this leads to a delay in bonding which is entirely normal and explicable but it can have a real negative impact on dad’s experience if it is not highlighted during pregnancy.
New dads worry that they are not a good parent, or that their baby doesn’t like them, or that they will never achieve the gold standard of bonding as represented by mum. But be assured that none of these statements are true. I have worked with thousands of men and all of them say that the bond they feel to their baby at six months, when two-way interaction is in full swing, is categorically different to any bond they felt at two weeks. It is a deep, intense love which will be essential to enabling your child to survive and thrive lifelong.
Don’t worry. It will come.
Myth 2: Dads are only good for making tea
The second myth, that dads are not important for the first few months of a child’s life, is widespread. You’ll read many baby books which tell you that your job in the first few weeks is to keep a handle on the washing and provide tea for an endless flood of visitors. But we now know that dads have a unique role in child development linked to the building of resilience and the development of social skills and cognitions.
And, while newborn babies may seem to be pretty vacant, their brains are growing at an accelerated rate, especially in the area of the brain which will help them operate successfully in the social world. As a consequence, the input of dad is vital from day one. Your baby’s brain is soaking up every experience, every touch, every utterance just like the proverbial sponge. This why it’s is critical to know how to find an ‘in’ in the early weeks, not only to enable you to develop a bond but to make sure your baby is getting that vital paternal developmental input.
Finding your role after birth
Any role you decide upon after birth is unique to you. Your baby won’t quite be ready yet for the play which is such a marker of the interactions you will have with your child when they are older. But you can still become king of bathtime, master of the bedtime story, or an enthusiastic performer of songs. Whatever interaction you decide on, it is important to ringfence it just for you.
It’s also important that it involves touch which is the most effective route to lots of happy bonding hormones for you and baby. This is why skin-to-skin contact shouldn’t be limited to the immediate post-birth cuddle. Try to incorporate skin-to-skin into your daily routine with your baby. Maybe combine it with a story or song.
One of the most powerful activities you can undertake is baby massage. Because it is centred on touch, this is a source of bonding hormones for both you and baby and is a wonderful activity, accompanied perhaps by a baby-safe lavender massage oil, to incorporate into baby’s bedtime routine. In fact, baby massage is the one behaviour that has been found to be preventative for poor mental health in dads. It is a source of calm and relaxation for dad and baby alike.
As a dad your role after birth will differ from mum’s but that does not make it any less important or worthy of attention. Be assured that you have a unique bond with your child and that bond is the basis of the unique input you will have into your child’s life. So find your ‘in’, build your role, and get ready to reap the rewards of the intense bond you will build with your child.
Dr Anna Machin is a pioneer of fatherhood science, and the author of The Life of Dad, and Why We Love. She is a patron of OnePlusOne.